Depression and Anxiety have made themselves comfortable with me for pretty much as long as I can remember.
I know there were times when I was confident and carefree from watching old home movies of me dancing, singing and begging for the spotlight, but I just can't remember how it felt to be that girl.
I have always been overly emotional, I will cry at the slightest thing and I don't think I've ever gotten through an episode of Britain's Got Talent with dry eyes. I've also been a chronic worrier, obesseing over the smallest insignificant comment and making it into something huge in my mind.
When I was younger I always used to feel like I was just dramatic, and I panicked that people thought I was just attention seeking so I never really spoke about how I felt and I found it impossible to even start without breaking down in tears. It's only really been in the last couple of years that I've been able to communicate openly with my family and friends and start to get help with it without feeling ashamed.
I know I'm not alone feeling like this so I'm going to talk a little about my experiences, my coping mechanism and my relationship with medication.
The more we talk about mental health, the more we break down the stigma attatched to it and the less power we give it.
My main reason for deciding to write this is that I've just come out of a really anxious couple of days. I completely lacked energy, didn't want to do anything and panicked about seeing people on my daily walks so I kept putting them off.
I've been posting a lot more photos of myself on Instagram and I felt it was really important to give a bit of balance. A picture that you see on Social Media shows a snapshot of someone's day. It's a highlight reel of things they want you to see. What you don't see is the person struggling to get out of bed, changing straight back into their sweats after the picture is taken and struggling to do anything else all day.
Social media is such a great tool, especially in the times we are living through at the moment. It keeps you connected to family and friends and allows you to express yourself in lots of ways. But it can also be a toxic place if you don't use it responsibly. I had started to get a bit obsessed with using instagram since I started posting more. I checked my useage and I was on Instagram for an average of 7 hours a day, that's nearly a full day at work!! This gave me a bit of a kick up the ass and I've limited the time I've spent on it the last couple of days and I feel so much better. The only thing I was achieving doing this was getting more followers, and do I really want a load of people following me that don't actually care about what I'm posting?
It is so easy to compare yourselves to other people on the internet now-a-days, but it's so important to remember that no-body else is you. You are completey unique and that's a super power within itself. Everyone is fighting battles you can't see so don't be fooled by the pretty feeds and happy pictures- nobody is one dimensional.
One of the biggest things I struggle with is worrying about what other people think of me. I have horrendous paranoia and once I get an idea in my head, there is no getting rid of it no matter how ridiculous it is. I regularly think the people I care about most don't love me and that everyone is judging me. I know it makes no sense but anxiety isn't rational.
I started opening up to my friends and family about my feelings a couple of years ago when I was at my worst and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I'd always worried about them not understanding but it honestly was one of the best things I've ever done. I am lucky that I feel like I can talk freely to the majority of my family and friends but even if you just open up to one person you really trust, I promise you it will help.
I have two friends in particular that I know if I've had a bad day, I can come out with the most ridiculous of things and they will be there to listen and offer advice. I often think that people worry about being too honest with someone who struggles with their mental health, but they'll regularly tell me when I'm being an idiot and that yeah, they agree, things do really suck (and vice versa) I actually find that more helpful than being told it's all going to be ok all the time, because sometimes it just isn't and it's ok to be a little irrational. And yes, we know there are people much worse off than us, we know we have nothing to feel depressed about, but that doesn't make those feelings any less valid!
Fear has always been a big part of my anxiety and has shaped a lot of my decisions. The most prominent one I can mention is just after I'd finished my degree. I wanted to be a drama teacher and that's what I'd wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I went on an open day at Goldsmiths university, and once I got there everyone was standing in a circle telling everyone about themselves. I panicked and left and something as insignificant as that sent me on a completely different path.
I've started to push past the fear recently and so far only good things have come out of it.
I went for a job in the biggest store in our region, when the thought of leaving a job I was really comfortable in completely petrified me. Whilst it does come with added pressure, it's definitely one of the best things I've ever done and I've made some really strong friendships.
I've started posting more pictures of myself and my outfits, something I've always been passionate about and really wanted to do but never thought I was good enough to. The reaction has been so positive and it's given me something to focus on during these tough times. This has also lead to the creation of this blog which has been a really good creative outlet and has had over 100 visitors since I launched it 2 days ago which is incredible!
I put myself forward to model-from-home for an occasion dress company that I really like. Something so completely out of my comfort zone and I actually got chosen (still can't quite believe it!)
Good things really do come from getting out of your comfort zone, and I think it's made me realise how much my anxiety has held me back. If we all start talking about it more openly things can only get better.
I want to finish this post by talking about my coping mechanisms and what works for me. Everyone will have different methods of coping but hopefully It will be helpful.
I've always been very skeptical about medication for anxiety and depression and worried (ironically) about the side effects and what people would think if they found out. I was at my very worst just after my wedding in 2018. The euphoria of the best day of my life suddenly ending all became too much. My family noticed a massive difference in me and it was my Step Dad who helped me work up the courage to go and speak to someone. The way he put it to me was 'If you had a broken arm, you'd go to the doctors, so why wouldn't you go for a mental Illness?' The clue is in the name, It's an Illness.
The doctor referred me for councilling, but in order to get to that stage you have to go to a group for coping strategys. I signed up for this 3 times but each time I completely freaked out and couldn't get over my fear of going. In my opinion this isn't the best solution for people who suffer with anxiety, to throw them in to a group situation but that's another story.
After lots of back and forth we settled on Medication. This was definitely the right choice for me. I've been on setraline ever since (with a brief interlude when I thought I was fine) and they've helped me massively. They are not magic pills that suddenly make everything go away but they help me keep my emotions in check and make everyday a bit easier.
I do suffer from side effects with them, mainly dizziness and feeling sick. If I take them in the evenings before bed I normally find It's just first thing in the morning I feel like this so the benefits outweigh the negatives.
Not a huge amount of people know this about me so it's a big thing for me to be writing on a public blog, but I think it's so important to get rid of the stigma around anti depressants. It might not be the right path for you, but if it is that is totally OK. You have to do what works for YOU.
During lockdown it's been a little harder to keep my anxiety under check so here are a few of my tips for self care during this time:
* Have a bath, light some candles and read your favourite book
* Go for a walk (government sanctioned obviously) The fresh air will do wonders
* Excercise. It's amazed me how much better I feel if I get up and do some form of excercise in the mornings. It massivey effects my mood for the rest of the day.
*Watch something familiar- my go to is always Friends because I know it makes me happy.
And finally the biggie is TALK, TALK, TALK. Reach out to someone you're close to and if you don't have that person, I am very happy to listen. I'm by no means a councillor but I like to think I'm a pretty good listener.
Thanks for reading, I hope it's been helpful.
Just Lucy Jane x
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God, I feel you 100% on getting recommended some kind of "go and talk to these people" treatment for your mental health when ... The reason you were asking was because you struggle doing exactly that sort of thing 😵 Glad you found something that's working for you pal!!
Thanks Tom. Yep, I'll never get my head around that xxx
We are so similar! Friends is my go to as well. So proud of you for writing this! All verrrrry relatable and talking deff helps! ❤️
We really are. Thank you xxx
Thank you for this. I can relate to a lot of what you have written. My main anxiety seems to come from worrying what ppl think of me and over thinking everything I say and do. I work in a profession where I feel surrounded by very confident, extroverted personalities and being a real introvert, I find this another huge barrier. Sometimes I find other adults, so difficult to communicate with, mainly for fear of analysing Every single word I say, to the point, I’d rather not speak and then not make a mistake/be judged.
Anyway your blog was really interesting and useful.
Good luck with all your ventures.
Thank you
X